- Here at the Tonight Show, we want to be your partners for peace.
Yeah! Right! we're Americans, huh huh!
- 50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on
romance. You know what we call these people?
Men!
- Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in _5_
years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...
- 55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week.
That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
- A judge has given a prisoner the right to practise satanisme in his
cell. If a teenager tried the same in his room, we'de all go :"You're
outahere!!!"
- Once on a "Midnight Confession" (see later), a woman confessed
having sex in a bank after closingtime, with her husband. Then Jay
so elegantly asked her : "Is there a penalty for early withdrawel there?
In the bank?"
- Stupid dog!
- 9% would give up sex for the remote control.
91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
- Yeah, go ahead! Kill the messanger, that's real smart!
After the senate-elections in november 1994, where the Democrats
lost so terribly to the Republicans, he came up with these fine lines:
- Did you feel the volt last night? It wasn't an earthquake, it
was just a giant move to the right...
- I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that
they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out?
It was a midturn election...
- Is it just me, or is Ted Kennedy pink now? (Guess Jay's been watching
the telly a lot lately... ;)
- The Republicans are back, it's the 80's!
- The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage
philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans...
- President Clinton is going through a rought time at the moment.
Just the other day, he went to the KFC to buy chicken, but all he could
get was a box filled with only right wings...
>LI>- 75% of the money in Los Angeles have traces of cocain on it.
I didn't know George Washington had black hair... Because of all the
cocain, I mean...
- Talking about these money, did you know that a $5 bill had a
street value of $35???
- The rest of the 25% of these money couldn't be testes, because
Robert Shapiro's got them...
- The Republicans are talking about a "contract for America". Yeah,
right, it's like the contract we did with the indians. "Contract for
America!"
-I am really stupid!
-Talking about the Heidi Fleiss trial, who did she hurt? And how
much extra do they have to pay?
-There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1:
Just show up!
- A new book called "The one hour orgasm" just came out. For those
who don't elieve in one hour orgasms didn't see Newt Gingrich on TV the
other night...
-Have you seen the ad: We're the few; the proud; the Democrats?
- I've never been wrong! ;)
- In France a woman shot her husband dead because of his flatuance.
And now _she_ get's the gaschamber... ;)
-Now they are going to put Nixon and Marily Monroe on stamps. By the
way, they have one thing in common, both complained when JFK finished
first...
-I love this job!
- They have found a new, now extinct, tribe all over America. They
are called Democrats...
- You know that Spok is not in the new Star Trek movie? In LA they
won't let illegal aliens get work permit...
- You mean I'm like a horse? *Huuuuge smile*
- Have you heard that Queen Elizabeth wont 16 pounds in the lottery?
This really annoyes me. The woman lives like a queen, and still try to win
the jackpot!
- A tobacco-company now advertise that you can get a packet of
cigaretts for $1. The cost of dying is _really_ going down now...
From 1996
Feb. 1
- It was a _huge_ rainstorm yesterday, wan't it. In fact, I saw
a man walking down the street with 2 goats, 2 sheep, 2 cheetas, 2 llamas.
Then I realized, it was only Michael Jackson walking the animals.
- Have you seen Bob Doles new campain? "I am not afraid to lead,
and I know the way". Isn't that what every guy says when he gets lost?
- Clinton has really understood the thing about politics. The
deeper Hillary gets with Whitewater, the more popular Clinton gets. The
trick is: never stand next to a lawyer.
- Boris Yeltsin had his birthday today. He celebrated the usual
way: face down in his cake.
- Experts say he's in the difficult stage between capitalisme
and communisme. I believe it's called alcoholisme.
- Prince Charles has painted 31 watercolours which is on
display. 31... Where does he find the time... Just cleaning his ears would
take a considerable time...
- Have you heard of this gaz-station combined with brothel?
The owner say they have much in common: they both give full service, they
both take creditcards and both have signs saying "Please pay before you pump".
Feb. 5
- It has been so cold that Hillary Clinton didn't mind that Al
Demado (sp?) was breathing down her neck
- In Nebraska it is so cold that calves ears are freesing. They
have been snapping off by the wind. If I was Ross Perot, I would stay out
of Omaha!
- Imagine, ears snap off... You wouldn't wan to know what happened
to the bulls...
- The Michigan roads are so slippery that Kevorkian [Dr. Death]
was leaving two dead bodies for extra traction
- The bitter cold of the Mid West has made people wear gloves,
shovels and knit caps pulled down their faces. They all look like OJ [Simpson]
on a hot summer night
- OJ has been phoning in to shows lately, and Roger Kozack and
Greta van Seston(sp?) in CNN was surprized when he called them. It's not the
first time he's surprizing an unsuspecting mand and a woman. Gee, that's
pretty normal
- OJ made 6 million dollars over the last 4 months. The Menendez-
brother made a lot of money on books and stuff, and Charles Manson sold
t-shirts. The only one that are making a killing are people who made a
killing
- Let's see what goes on in Bob Doles campaign, also known as
Dead Man Walking-campaign.
- These days we have meals from this fake fat Olestra, we salt
it with fake fat, drink non-alcoholic beer and then we go home and have
fake sex on the Internet
- I was reading a periodical about wine the other day. And they
had an ad for the "perfect breakfast wine". Let me tell you something, if
you're drinking for breakfast you don't care if it's perfect.
- Now you can buy this Melrose Place cologne. You spray it on
and then you smell like you have slept with your sisters husband
- Valentines day are coming up and a German company has made
chokolate in shapes of couples making love. I don't like them... I don't want
my chokolate to have more fun than me
March 1
- I haven't heard this much applaude since the judge ordered
F. Lee Bailey to go to jail...
- Paula Barbiery, OJ's ex-girfriend is now dating a plastic
surgeon. I guess she likes guys who are good with the knife
- Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the
most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the
dishes, but it's just not hygienic"
- They are making yet another spinn-off of Baywatch, this time
featuring the older members. It's going to be called "Sag Harbour"
Some time in March/April
- The spring has really come now. Did you see Bob Dole thaw?
- The cast of Melrose place also started to have sex outdoors.
It muct be spring
- It's so hot in fact that Pat Buchanan has changed to light
weight sheet
- Did you hear, Amtrack are now offering showers on their trains.
There are other things I would prefer like firehoses, ejection seets...
- How sick was I when I wrote this joke?
- Sylvester has resently celebrated the 20th anniversary for
his first Rocky movie. Or was it the first anniversary for the 20th movie?
July 8
- Let me welcome all these people who couldn't get in to see
Independence Day
- It's a box office hit. Now the Aliens want a cut in the dow
- It's estimated it will pass the 100 millin dollar barrier
tonight. Usually to make that kind of money, you have to be friends with
the governor of Arkansas.
- Jeff Goldblume place the cable guy who go to the mothership
and saves the earth. I can't get the cable guy to go two blocks to my
hoisee
- Have you heard of Bob Doles new biography? It's called
"Unlimited partners". That book should really have been written by the
President
- Princess Di and prince Charles have agreed not to write any
books about each other. Well, thank God for that!
- October is the best month to have sex. You know why? Because
the testosteronlevel is at it's highest. This is the perfect excuse for us
men. "I'm much better in october"
- Madonna is going to play in Joan of Arc. She is playing a virgin.
Well! You thought the special effects in "Independence Day" were amazing...